I find it easy to fall in love with men. They smell so good, they laugh so heartily, they embrace so tightly. Well the ones I fall for do, anyway.
I love a man who has a light scent of spicy cologne (Yes, I love Old Spice. So sue me.) I love a man who laughs in a scale that spans several octaves. I love a man who is willing to try new foods, is willing to sit quietly while you formulate your next thought, and will occasionally buy you a bouquet of daisies and roses for no reason except that he likes flowers and he likes you.
I don't love a man because he smells good, I love that he does smell good. There's a difference. The things I've just listed are perks of being in their company, but the things I love about men, when I do love a man, tend to be qualities such as humor, intelligence, creativity, kindness, patience, listening, active participation in life.
These qualities are ones that I possess (well maybe not so much patience, but I'm learning that one.) What I find myself doing is looking around and seeing these qualities in a man, falling for him, and ignoring my own qualifications for being loved. If what I love about a person is these qualities, then it should stand to reason that I love these qualities in myself. It should stand to reason that I honor these qualities in myself by actively participating in my life in ways that share these qualities with the world. But I don't do that. I forget to love myself first. I find myself pouring my energies into another person rather than focusing on my self.
It is easier to lose yourself in another, in a dream or a hope, than to actively live in your own reality.
I am on a journey that begins anew each day. I am here to love and honor the gifts I have been given. To do so, I must focus inwardly and express my gifts outwardly. I am trying to find a way to do this, to be balanced and giving and loving and present.
I am not quite divorced yet. I am not landed on my feet. I am not my SELF yet.
As I complete the journey towards freedom from my marriage I remember to give myself the gift of love first.
I honor my creativity. I respect my humor and intelligence. I extend my knowledge to those who may benefit from it. I am present. I am here. I am my own woman.
I am loved. By me.
But I can still smell men. (Mmmmm. Ahhhhhh.)