Saturday, November 29, 2014

A Few Lists

I've been keeping my posts private recently. I've been in a new phase of growth which has lead to a new level of self-awareness. (roll your eyes as you feel appropriate here.)

 It seemed like it would take forever to be done with the grief and pain of it all.  But as time has its way of working, the hours, minutes and seconds ticked away in their usual fashion, and here I am 2 and a half years later.

For the longest time all I could do was survive, get through the rough shit, survive some more, wait, grow, see glimmers of hope, be blessed, and begin anew.

I guess I shouldn't say "all I could do" because that's a fucking lot.  And you've seen me through it all, the good and the bad.

So, things are good.

I'm still growing and changing, but oh-thank-you-Jeezus, I do not grieve any longer.  I do not think sadly upon my life or feel burdened with a sense of loss.  I am changed, but I am no longer grieved.

What I feel is:

1.  Blessed
2.  Grateful
3.  Happy
4.  Lonely (only on occasion, not consistently or even that often)
5.  Yearning to grow
6.  Desire for the next breath
7.  Fear of the unknown, but it is not a crippling fear, just a dose of healthy nerves, really
8.  Curiosity for what it will take for me to reach my achievements (whatever they may be)
9.  Trust - I really trust the Universe.  Put it out there and the Universe will make it so, if you remain open.  I know, it sounds like mumbo jumbo hocus pocus hooey, but, Oh. My. God.  The lovely blessings I've received simply by being present and saying what I want.

I kid you not.



AND NOW FOR A SLIGHTLY OFF-TOPIC RAMBLING:

The thing I've been silently pondering (well the occasional Facebook post or Tweet, but mostly silently) is this notion of wanting a man.  

Here's a list of the top three things I used to think I needed a man for -

3.  Reaching the top shelf
2.  Business between the sheets
1. My sense of self worth

Here's a list of the top three things I think I need a man for now -

3.
2.
1.

Guess the point of this is that I don't really NEED a man.  And I'm doing okay without a partner.



I really LIKE men, though.  I mean they're so

1. hairy ,and
2.  adorable.  And
3.  they don't give a shit about how they dress (at least the ones I notice, anyway.)

Come on.  Why do they have to DOOOOOO that?  Why do they have to be so gosh darn lovable?

But...

For now...

BACK TO THE POINT(ish):

I am alone.

I've come to know that being alone is okay, and for me, as I work out my

1.  co-dependencies and
2.  issues,

sometimes it's downright necessary.

So I take full advantage of the silence of being alone.

For the first time in my life I just want to be the best version of myself.  THAT is the person who will be with someone worthwhile. With this in mind I've worked out two goals to help me achieve a deep sense of personal satisfaction and a fulfilling life,

1) focus on creating my career so that I can
         a.) support myself,
         b.)  send my daughter to college and
         c.) be able to retire when I'm too old to work.
(I've got a lot of focusing to do.)

2.)  Be loving.  Love
          a.) myself,
          b.) my family, and
          c.) send out the love.  Love, love, love.

It's entirely selfish.  My goals are rooted in the desire to feel satisfied, and for a girl like me, one who has to keep growing in self sufficiency, I know I must cultivate my assets -- and the two things I have to give are

1.)  my talents and
2.) my love.

I'm grateful for this mid-life reset.  I've been given the chance to be my best self.

Which takes me back to #1 in the first list of the day -  I am  1.)  Blessed.

Thanks for List -ening.