"I should know better, but better always seems to be filled with scenarios in which I am not fabulous, so I continue to live in blissful ignorance."
(In quotes because I'm quoting myself. Thanks graduate school, for teaching me not to plagiarize my own words!)
I have this habit that I've been aware of for a really long time -- decades probably. I tend to fall for a feller, and then submerge myself in his world, sublimate my needs and put him before my own needs and desires. I've been aware of and battling this for most of my adult life. It's always a conscious effort on my part to put my needs over the needs of a man.
I thought the cure for this would be to fall in love with a man who had similar interests to my own, then I wouldn't be sublimating, I'd be partnering.
It was still his deal, his gig, I was the side kick. We didn't mesh.
I've been fighting this problem my whole life. Fighting, fighting, fighting to find a man who would love me and be just fine with me being as is.
And then a co-worker taught me to ask three simple questions when analyzing dramatic text. And those three simple questions have cracked open a new layer; these questions are forcing me to level up in the game of Lee.
1. What do I want?
2 What do I really want?
3. What do I really, really want? (which is actually what I need)
I can tell myself 1) I want someone to love me, but 2) what I really want is to share my life with someone I love without losing myself, and 3) the thing I need is the willingness to let someone in without protecting myself from them.
Saying that seems easy enough, but it leads to a whole new understanding of who I am.
Because I've believed for so long, since I was a little girl, that I wasn't good enough just as I am. I was told over and over that until I was thin, I wouldn't be lovable.
You'd think after 40 years of living and loving that I would have figured out that good people, worthy people, love me. I know they do. But the answer to these three questions is tied to some core belief that has surfaced.
It whispers in my ear, "he won't love you - you're fat."
Maybe that's true, but I think it's true because I let it be true.
And that's the new thing.
I lay awake these past few nights pondering a man,
pondering the potential we seem to have,
and all the time telling myself that
I'm not fabulous enough. Believing
I'm too fat for him
to love me.
But that's a lie.
If he doesn't want to love me,
I have nothing to do with that choice.
It has everything to do with his life, his thoughts, his heart's desire.
I am separate from that.
I am a worthy and lovable person regardless of his choice to love or not love me.
The difference between the whispering voice that tries to silence my heart
and the potential love that exists between me and any other human being is
the difference between a person who chooses to vote and one who chooses not to.
The voter participates.
The non-voter does not do what she can to affect change
and sits in a mess she has made
wondering why her life is so unfair.
The person who is willing to be vulnerable? She votes.
She votes for her own heart to be filled with love.
She is the person who can be brave enough to be vulnerable.
She is the person who can tell herself she's fabulous and believe it.
This is where my fabulous lives.
It grows in a garden of vulnerability
If I "knew better" I would go on believing that I don't deserve love because I'm not a size 0. The fact of the matter is I have a whole lot of love and beauty to offer.